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27 February 2008 @ 05:30 pm

she's upstairs, lecturing jake. my mother has always had that need to control. to be in charge. i can hear her yelling at him. last i saw, he was standing patiently in her doorway, waiting for her to shut up so he could turn and run. she's trying to put us straight, trying to give us a sense of morality. she keeps saying, like a broken record, "acting like you're on vacation."
we are ages eighteen and twenty, i was always told that these are the best years of our lives; that it's supposed to be a sort of pre-adult vacation. where responsibility is in view but we don't have to reach and grasp it just yet. apparently, we have no goals and no schedule. i hope you have a good idea of how my mother is.
i heard her complain to him that i'm better when i'm on my meds and have a better sense of time (aka; schedule). she said something about my mental state. i almost walked right in and told her i needed a stay in the local psychiatric ward, that her ways alone made me want to kill myself. but i've decided instead to let her drive me there, let her push me to the brink of insanity, then over the cliff. i'll let her watch me, like an exploding carwreck. she'll be the one to call the hospital, i know she will. when the klonopin refuses to calm me, when the xanax won't put me to sleep, when she's out of benadryl and patience. then she'll see what happened, who i am and who i've become.
then she'll turn chicken-shit and call in for reinforcement.
hello, straitjacket.

i wish she'd stop yelling at my boyfriend.

24 February 2008 @ 11:12 pm

blah. i feel like complete shit.jake is being an ass, but doesn't think he is. so of course, i feel like an ass. and i've been skittish all day because earlier he scared me when he helled something the like of "bitch" and pushed me against the fence outside. he said he didn't mean it, or whatever. i don't even remember if the context was playful or not. i don't think it would have randomly scared me like that if it was, though. meh.
i want to cry, butofcourse...i never cry. jake is sulking a few feet away, blissfully oblivious to my hurt feelings. it's fucking hot as hell in this house, outside it's cold but in here it's 80-something. sweating like a mad side of pork. huh.
i don't even know why i'm posting this. how pathetic.

feeling: gloomy; (
hearing: the teevee
17 February 2008 @ 03:49 am

i`m in a car underwater with time to kill

jake is sleeping on my couch. i want to tell him to go upstairs and sleep in bed, but i just don't have the energy to wake the poor boy up and coax him into doing it.
earlier he held out his hand and dropped an open safety pin into it, he'd made a few new cuts while i was sitting right here. two or so feet away. he said he didn't talk to me because i 'didn't want to be bothered.' i feel so fucking bad.
i can't sleep and now i want to cut. i'll probably end up letting a few klonopin wafers dissolve under my tongue and swallow a few xanax. eventually i'll wind up passed out, relatively unharmed.
i had a good valentine's day, though. jake is so fucking sweet to me. i don't feel like typing all of it up right now, though. maybe later.

i'm off to do less important and possibly more meaningless things.



existing in: family room
feeling: indifferent-_-
hearing: the teevee
23 January 2008 @ 04:18 am

my boyfriend, jake. his mum is dying. they think. she's in the hospital, second day. she goes there a lot, because she gets so sick. but there's something different about this time. jake and his sister are scared, i can tell. i'm not the patron saint of religious perfection, but i'm praying as much as a christian girl in ripped up stockings can. (which is more than you'll ever know)

i want to cry. i like his mum, but moreso i'm worried about him and his family. he's so close to his mother, i hate what this is doing to him.

and i woke up about an hour ago from a nightmare. about that. what happened. about it.
i woke up crying, shaking, and i was freaking out because i couldn't get my legs out of the sheets. they were all tangled. when you're not quite awake and terrified, it's a very, very scary feeling.

a drink or five and a hot bath sounds nice.
(during which the cutting can commence)
feeling: anxiousanxious
21 January 2008 @ 03:22 pm

there was going to be this crazy candy-assed "friends only" image here. but if i'm publishing a blog on the internet, it seems kind of idiotic to make it so only selected individuals get to read it. i gotta tell you, though. this shit is not going to be pretty.

i'm basically insane, disturbed, and in need of professional help.
&thanks for not telling me what i already know.

feeling: crazycrazy
hearing: this bottle of wine - maria mena